5 signs your productivity is motivated by shame

Posted on July 2, 2014 by Kira M. Newman

This is day 2 of #30DaysofVulnerability, answering the question: “When do you hustle for worthiness?” More info here.

All midnight work marathons aren’t created equal.

According to researcher Brené Brown, there’s a big difference between pulling an all-nighter because you’re bursting with ideas that simply must come to life, and pulling an all-nighter because you’re anxious to prove to your boss that you’re a good employee.

They may look the same on the outside, but they’re very different on the inside. One is motivated by fear or shame; in Brown’s words, we’re “hustling for worthiness,” trying to perform, perfect, please, and prove. Our self-worth is on the line: if we don’t finish this project, and finish it well, we’re not hard-working or smart enough. The other one, presumably, is motivated by some form of love – the desire to create, express, explore.

How can you tell if shame is driving you? For me, shame-driven productivity happens when I’ve set some arbitrary goal for myself, like working 10 hours or writing 15 articles. If I don’t meet that goal, I know I’ll feel like I’ve failed, like I’m lazy, like I’m not doing enough – even if everyone else seems to think otherwise.

Does that sound familiar? Here are a few signs you might be motivated by shame:

No one is forcing you to be so productive. You’re meeting your goals at work, but somehow that’s not enough. Some taunting inner voice is pushing you forward.
You’re trying to gain someone’s approval. On the other hand, you may be worried about someone’s harsh judgment. If you do a good job, maybe you can finally get their respect.
You feel terrible if you don’t meet arbitrary goals. Even if you’re ill or legitimately distracted, you have to perform. Time is slipping away.
You think breaks are for wimps. Why waste your time? There are things to be done.
You don’t want to be working. If your motivation isn’t to do good work – or some related goal, like moving your career in the right direction or helping a friend – you may just be doing it to bolster your self-worth.

One night, after a week out of the office with a broken arm, I felt like working. It was Sunday, so there was no pressure to be on call and no hours to bank. I just wanted to get a headstart to the week and I finally had enough energy to sit at my computer. So I worked, churning out two articles. It was light and pressure-free; I put no arbitrary restrictions on what I had to accomplish. And it was a mini-revelation for me: all that self-imposed pressure may be motivating, but it’s not the only motivator out there. You can find your healthy motivation and desire; you just have to give it a little space.

Cropped photo by Flickr user Fossil Watchman.

Day 1 of #30DaysofVulnerability: What are your imperfections?

Posted on July 1, 2014 by Kira M. Newman

This post is part of a 30-day experiment in vulnerability – more details here!

Researcher Brené Brown has a nice phrase about what we do when we feel ashamed: we “hustle for worthiness.”

We don’t “strive” or “pursue” worthiness – no, those words are too abstract and banal. We “hustle” – sprinting, frenetic, sweating, rushing, frenzied, never-quite-there.

Contrast that with what happens when you let go of who you think you should be and just be. Embrace who you are. Own your story. Accept, feel compassion, stop, breathe. You’re here, you’re home.

For Brown, we have a choice – and we don’t just make it once. We make it every moment, every time we fail or mess up or do something silly. We can strain and struggle and resist our own imperfections, or accept and love ourselves nonetheless.

“There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in” – Leonard Cohen

We’re all full of cracks, Brown reminds us. I over-stress and over-worry and over-think. And when the stresses and worries and thoughts get to be too much, I sometimes get moody and detached. In those moments, I don’t have much to give to the people I love.

In discussions, it takes a lot to change my mind – and even when I do, I’m embarrassed to admit it. I can get over-exuberant, eager to spread Truth with a capital T. After years and years of being the smart one, sometimes I still don’t feel smart enough.

I’m clumsy, and I get too hot or too cold if the temperature fluctuates outside the 70-72-degree range. On the days when my hair is untamable and I’ve got nothing to wear, I feel like I’m not pretty, short, tan, or stylish enough.

I’m not even sure I believe the quote above about the cracks. I still want to be better, and I’m still on my hands and knees patching them up with whatever clay or caulking goes into the cracks of human imperfection. But at least now, I can take some breaks. I know that new cracks will always appear; the task will never be done. I don’t have to define myself by the cracks, but by everything else in between.

Adapted photo by Flickr user Stian Olsen

Weekly research roundup: Swimming, owning a business, and getting divorced can make you happier

Posted on June 27, 2014 by Kira M. Newman

This is a weekly series on the latest happiness research. Learn and be merry!

Chief happiness officer – According to the 2013 Global Entrepreneurship Monitor U.S. Report, owners of established businesses are significantly happier than owners of new businesses and non-business owners. Women owners of established businesses are even happier.

Dive in – Regular swimming can increase your positivity by about a third in just a month, reported British Gas SwimBritain. It can also improve sleep, energy, and fitness levels.

Go all the way – According to a study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science, the psychological effects of casual sex may depend on your personality. People who are “sociosexually unrestricted,” or have a tendency for casual sex, may feel increased self-esteem and satisfaction and lower depression and anxiety after the experience. People who fit this description tend to be impulsive, extroverted, strong men.

Try, try again – Analysis of the famous Grant Study found that middle-aged people in unhappy marriages are unlikely to turn things around. In these cases, divorce is more likely to lead to happiness.

Photo by Flickr user Singapore 2010 Youth Olympic Games

A blogging challenge for July: #30DaysofVulnerability

Posted on June 23, 2014 by Kira M. Newman

Brené Brown, get out of my head!

I’m sure I’m not the only one who thought Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection was custom-written for me. The chapter headings read like a perfectionist’s how-to manual: controlling everything, doing what you “should” be doing, defining yourself by your productivity. Except those are the things you’re supposed to let go of.

I’ve done month-long experiments in gratitude, optimism, and honesty, and I knew I wanted to do one in vulnerability, Brown’s concept of embracing the inherent uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure of life. She actually hosted a six-week course with Oprah, but it’s not available anymore. So I had to improvise.

As I understand Brown’s books, becoming more vulnerable is not a set of to-do’s, but really requires some deep soul-searching. So instead of a daily exercise, this experiment is a series of questions to reflect on – and if you’re like me, blog about. In the end, the goal is to move toward what Brown calls Wholeheartedness: living life with courage, compassion, and the feeling that you’re worthy of love and belonging – without shame.

Does anyone want to join me in blogging #30DaysofVulnerability in July? I’ve created five prompts per week, but you don’t have to do all of them. If you’re interested, just tag your posts on Facebook or Twitter with the hashtag #30DaysofVulnerability.

Week 1: Worthiness/self-acceptance

What are your imperfections? What are you ashamed of? Fill in the blank: I am not _____ enough.
When do you “hustle for worthiness,” or act energetically to prove that you’re worthy?
Whom or what do you feel you’re “supposed to” be?
What are the benefits of feeling worthiness, that you are “enough” just as you are?
What would you say to yourself about your struggles if you were your best friend?

Week 2: Letting go of control

Why do you want to control things?
What things in life are you afraid of losing? Instead of feeling fear, can you feel gratitude?
Who is there for you when things don’t work out? Share one of your answers to these questions with them.
What happens when you try to control things?
What would happen if you stopped trying to control things?

Week 3: Normalizing discomfort

How do you run away from discomfort?
Ask your friends, or post on Facebook or Twitter: When do you feel stress and anxiety (or whatever your typical discomfort is)? See what people say.
What discomforts are a normal part of your life?
Why do you need to normalize discomfort, or understand that discomfort is a part of life?
If you’re able to persist and engage in life despite discomfort, what does that say about you?

Week 4: Changing priorities

Why should accomplishment not be your main priority?
Make a “joy and meaning” list: List the ingredients that you need in your life to feel like things are going well, and compare it to your to-do list.
What does it mean to be courageous and “show up”?
What does it mean to be authentic?
How can you play, laugh, sing, and dance more?

Every day

When you wake up, say: “No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.”
Before you go to sleep, say: “Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.”

Photo by Flickr user paolo di tommaso

Weekly research roundup: For a happiness boost, create some art, get some respect, or move to California

Posted on June 20, 2014 by Kira M. Newman

This is a weekly series on the latest happiness research. Learn and be merry!

Indulge your right brain – According to a report by the Brookings Institution, people who participate in the arts – creating or viewing – may be happier. Other studies have found that creating art may increase your self-image, reduce anxiety, and increase open-mindedness. One study even quantified the happiness boost: participating in the arts makes you as happy as an extra $150 per month would.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T -Researchers discovered the “local-ladder effect,” whereby having more respect in your social community increases happiness.

Choose your home wisely – According to reviews of over 500,000 workers in the 50 largest US metro areas, the happiest employees are in San Jose, San Francisco, Washington, DC, Norfork (VA), Salt Lake City, San Diego, Seattle, Oklahoma, San Antonio, and Austin, respectively.

Influential dads – Feeling loved by our fathers may be more important to our later happiness than feeling loved by our mothers. Even with a loving mother, rejection or hostility from our fathers can increase the likelihood of depression and behavioral problems. One study suggested that we tend to learn persistence and tenacity from our fathers, not our mothers.

Stay at home, mom – In a study of 28 countries, married women who stayed at home were slightly happier than women who worked full-time.

Photo by Flickr user cleansurf2

Pursuing happiness: You’re doing it wrong

Posted on June 16, 2014 by Kira M. Newman

In Flourish, Martin Seligman announced the big goal of positive psychology, the science of happiness: to have 51% of people “flourishing” by 2051.

But what does it mean to flourish?

In the book, Seligman explains just that – and debunks the be-all-end-all concept of happiness that he and so many of us have been subscribing to. Happiness is not the goal we’re all seeking.

How come people have children, even though studies show that having children doesn’t bring more happiness? How come we love the feeling of flow, even though we lose track of time and don’t feel much of anything? Are all introverts less happy because our moods are generally lower? Why do so many people achieve great success and find they aren’t happy?

Seligman’s framework explains these and many other questions. Instead of pursuing the single goal of happiness, he says, we pursue these five things:

Positive emotion: Momentary feelings of pleasure, glee, satisfaction, etc.
Engagement: Flow, or being fully immersed in what we’re doing.
Accomplishment: Mastery and success.
Relationships
Meaning: Belonging to and serving something bigger than the self.

He selected these five criteria because we choose them for their own sake, and they all contribute to well-being. In this new framework, our 24 character strengths can play a role in all these areas.

Seligman explains that this list isn’t meant to be a guide for achieving happiness; it’s simply an observation of the goals people do pursue. But I can’t help but see it that way.

If you had to rank these five areas of your life in order of satisfaction, what order would you put them in? Mine would be achievement, relationships, engagement, positive emotion, and meaning. What areas are you neglecting or putting off?

Some people say that trying to be happy is making us miserable. If that’s true, maybe it’s because “happy” is too generic. It’s hard to wake up and say, “I’m going to be happier today,” but it’s easier to wake up and say, “I’m going to have more positive emotion, engagement, relationships, meaning, or accomplishment today.” As Yogi Berra said, if you don’t know where you’re going, you might not get there.

Weekly research roundup: Millennial dads are less happy and more selfish

Posted on June 13, 2014 by Kira M. Newman

This is a weekly series on the latest happiness research. Learn and be merry!

Happy Father’s Day – Millennial dads may be less satisfied than their Gen X and Boomer counterparts. According to the 2014 DDB Life Style Study, millennial dads are less likely to say raising a child brings them a lot of happiness (82%, vs. 87% of Gen Xers and 92% of Boomers) and more likely to say parenting is a real burden (41%, vs. 25% and 16%). Also, more millennial dads admit to not enjoying spending time with their kids (29%, vs. 22% and 14%) and preferring to spend time with friends (35%, vs. 20% and 12%). Finally, millennial dads are more likely to say their own happiness is more important than the happiness of others (49%, vs. 33% and 20%).

Rise and shine – Ikea’s “Life at Work” survey found that we’re happier if we wake up quickly, or take the time to cuddle, have sex with, hug, or kiss someone in the morning. Ikea surveyed over 80,000 people in eight cities.

Let’s hit the sack – According to a study presented at SLEEP 2014, the more in sync a couple’s sleep schedule is, the happier the wife is.

Photo by Flickr user Gwenaël Piase

Weekly research roundup: Women breadwinning isn’t so bad – for the men

Posted on June 6, 2014 by Kira M. Newman

This is a weekly series on the latest happiness research. Learn and be merry!

Breadwinners win some, lose some – A MONEY survey of over 1,000 married adults found that when women make the same or more as men, couples are more in love, happier, and had significantly happier husbands. They speculated that these arrangements are more egalitarian. But overall, women who earn more than their husbands are less likely to say they’re very in love and they worry more about finances.

Avoid the haters – According to a study out of the University of Colorado-Boulder, obesity has a big effect on happiness only when you live in an area where it’s uncommon. If obesity is the norm – and, presumably, you aren’t being judged for your weight – it doesn’t make you much unhappier. Overall, the judgment of others has a greater unhappiness effect on women than on men.

Faster food! – A study from the University of Toronto found that living in an area with lots of fast-food restaurants makes you more impatient and less able to savor pleasurable experiences, like a beautiful hike. And even making people think of fast food in the lab – by showing them a photo – causes them to make impatient decisions, like hurrying through a task, desiring time-saving tools more, and saving less for the future.

Control, or how to stop squeezing the life out of life

Posted on June 3, 2014 by Kira M. Newman

When I used to play violin, my bow grip was too tight. It worked most of the time, and I managed to get into some elite orchestras and play some solos. But when those light, bouncy spiccato passages came up, I stumbled. I was supposed to nearly let go of my bow and let it do the bouncing itself, naturally, but I couldn’t. I wanted to control it, which slowed me down and threw off my rhythm.

I think I approach life like I approached that violin bow.

A recovering perfectionist, I want control. I want to control my health, my career, my relationships. But at some point, it’s too much. My heart aches like my fingers used to ache from violin. I feel rigid, tight, tense, gripping, pressured. I just want to breathe and let it go and soften – or do I?

Brené Brown says life is full of vulnerability, full of uncertainty, risk, and raw emotion. Much as we’d like to control it, we simply cannot. I simply cannot.

I might lose a job, or have my money stolen. I might get cancer through no fault of my own. I might have to say goodbye to a loved one sooner than I expect. I might get a cavity, the flu, or a hangnail. I might feel anxious, sleepless, or apathetic. I might say something embarrassing, do something mean, or write something dumb.

On the other hand, I might get a job from a random tweet. I might ask a second-degree connection out for coffee and gain a lifelong friend. I might try a different hobby and then meet the love of my life while practicing it. Oh wait – all of those things have happened already.

I can’t have it both ways. I can’t control all the bad things while letting the good luck happen. I have to just embrace that fact that life is darn unpredictable, and sometimes that leads to blissful accidents, and sometimes it leads to plain old accidents. If you grip life too tightly, you can’t make beautiful, bouncy, playful music.

Photo by Flickr user Lif…

Weekly research roundup: We’re more stressed at home than at work

Posted on May 30, 2014 by Kira M. Newman

This is a weekly series on the latest happiness research. Learn and be merry!

Home is where the stress is – A study from Pennsylvania State University found that people were more stressed at home than at work. Not only that, but women (but not men) were happier at work than at home. The researchers suggested that the difficulty of balancing work and family may come out at home, particularly for women juggling lots of chores and domestic responsibilities.

Ditch the pint of ice cream – According to a study out of the University of Minnesota, comfort foods might not actually be comforting us. After watching a disturbing video, people’s moods improved equally after eating a comfort food, a food they liked, a granola bar, and nothing at all.

Strap on your helmet – A Clemson study compared people’s emotions on different types of transportation, and found that we are happiest when biking – followed by riding in a car, driving a car, and taking the train or bus. This included commuting and non-commuting travel, so that could explain some of the findings.

Go Greek – The Gallup-Purdue Index, a survey of 30,000 university graduates, found that graduates who belonged to sororities or fraternities were happier after college. They were more engaged at work (43% vs. 38%), had higher well-being, had more supportive social lives, were healthier, and felt less stressed about money (possibly because they took out fewer student loans, 42% vs. 49%).

Photo by Flickr user JD Hancock